BROKEN ENGLISH.

Who knew that in Brazil they spoke Portuguese? At a bbq this weekend I was talking to a nice girl from Brazil and she was explaining that some parts of the english language are hard to pick up on; that there are some words she can't hear the difference between. Like man and men. Or beach and bitch. They're too close.

And then she asked a question that almost prompted me to propose to her on the spot:

"So I don't get it. It's foot and feet. Why isn't it boot and beet?"

I love you.

MOVING PAST THE PENNY.

Are we still living in a world where the value of something has to be broken down to the hundredth of a dollar? Was my pasta and Dr. Pepper today really worth $8.07? No, it was worth $8. Maybe $8.25. Let's start rounding to the nearest quarter. Then I wouldn't sound like the jingle-jangle man stomping around with ninety-three goddamn cents in my pocket.

The penny was invented during a time when a dollar was worth a lot; when spending a whole dollar on something was a real investment. You used to be able to buy a beer at the saloon with a nickel. Now a beer costs five dollars. So do the math. In today's world, five dollars = an old-time nickel. Meaning one dollar = an old-time penny. Meaning one penny today = fucking worthless.

I'm pretty sure we could figure out a fair value for everything on earth--a value that doesn't involve nickels, dimes or pennies. Except for candy.

You probably would still have to price individual pieces of Laffy Taffy or Bazooka Joe gum at $.05. You'd just have to buy a minimum of five. Problem solved.

IRAQI RAMBO.

Today I watched the movie trailer for the new Rambo movie, John Rambo. And can I say, holy shit. As if we need more of this shit. I like a good war machine movie as much as the next guy; give me a gritty ApocolypseNow-Platoon-Full-Metal-Jacket-Band-of-Brothers, guns-blazing, hero-making action adventure. But watching this and thinking of the other Rambo films made me think, holy shit. Holy shit, isn't it amazing how we can cheer for an American who goes in and slaughters some foreign soldiers we know nothing about.

Imagine if other nations could rival the talent and resources we have in Hollywood. What kind of movie would they make in the Middle East? I can tell you the plot:

Iraqi Rambo lives with his family in a war-torn area; we watch as he struggles to make a living. Americans bomb his village repeatedly, claiming to be hunting terrorists. When Iraqi Rambo's daughter is killed in a fire-fight, his teenage son tries to raise awareness. He takes his story to American journalists, provoking the ire of the military. But before the story breaks, he's abducted by US troops and taken to a secret island base where terrorists are held without trial.

Now Iraqi Rambo is angry. There had been all sorts of tails about abductions, but Iraqi Rambo had kept his nose out of it. No need to stir up trouble. His daughter was killed. He forgave. But now they have taken his son? No sir.

Iraqi Rambo flies to Cuba, the home of this alleged base. After scouting out the area, he recruits a few locals to help him rescue his son. Against all odds, he wages war on his son's captors. He heroically slaughters dozens of American boys men in gruesome fashion (reference John Rambo preview). And in the end rescues his son and some other local boys, leads them out of Cuba and back home, where they're happily reunited with their families.

Ah yes, Iraqi Rambo, I'm sure he would be a big hit here. Consider this my copyright notice. Warner Brothers? Paramount? Anyone?

KNOCK KNOCK.

I generally hate user-created videos on YouTube. But after having a discussion about knock-knock jokes, I stumbled upon this gem. Enjoy, or don't.



"...and the priest is my dad and he's not a priest..."