MY MAYOR, MY GOVERNOR.

If I were to start my own state, I already have my top officials lined up; two guys who, together, can bring my land the prosperity it deserves--and the corruption that goes along with it.

From my home state of Michigan, let me introduce Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who was just indicted today on eight counts, including perjury and obscruction of justice. All to cover up a scandalous interoffice affair. KK could end up serving YEARS in prison, unless he somehow manages to get every official in Detroit fired or murdered.


And of course there was the alleged Manoogian Mansion Party, where it was rumored Kwame and his boys got down and dirty with some strippers and such. Of course, the police officers in charge of investigating these allegations were fired and consequently sued the city of Detroit, which settled for $8.4 million. A hefty price tag for a little Mayoral get-together. And if that wasn't enough, there's also suspicion that Kwame and company had a stripper from that party murdered. A lead investigator on the case stated, "I suspected that the shooter was a law enforcement officer, and more specifically, a Detroit Police Department officer." My man knows how to get it done.


If only he had been around to advise the other half of my dynamic duo. Recently resigned from public office, he narrowly beat out Jesse "The Body" Ventura as my selection for Governor of my imaginary state. Introducing the former Governor of New York, Elliot Spitzer. Elliot has fallen on hard times as of late. But I'm sure if he were united with Kwame, serving together in a state that prizes both victory and corruption, the two would usher in an unprecedented era of opulence. Not since Roman times has the world seen such ravenous orgies and celebrations. And since I would be the president of my imaginary state--yes, my state has a president--I would preside over all these affairs. There would be no need to cover up scandal, because cultivating scandal would be a matter of public policy. If there's one thing the public craves, it's scandal.

HE DONE DID IT NOW.

You have to admire the man. No one, to my recollection, has made such great use of the "mayor" job title as Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. Of course, he has to be the Mayor of Detroit. Who else could lead a floundering city back to greatness? I mean, if you can have wild parties, support a large entourage of pals and take recreational vacations on the city's dime, you're doing all you can, right? No way. You also need to sleep with your subordinates and leave a text-message trail documenting your infidelity.

"Don't worry baby, they can't track text messages, those are in the computer phone."


After winning back our #1 most dangerous city in America title, in the middle of the annual hated "winter," Kwame piles on by bringing back this little scandal; thus vaulting Detroit into its firm position as "City Where No One Will Ever Want To Live, Ever."

I have to give Kwame some credit though. If I were mayor, I hope I'd have the balls to do all the shit he allegedly does. There's got to be a voice in the back of his head that says things like, "Hell yeah you should do that, you're the MAYOR!" And, "What are they going to do, fire you? You're the MAYOR!" I mean, seriously, how many times do you get to be the mayor of a major US city? Might as well make the most of it.