NBA ALL STAR GREATNESS.

First, someone must have been reading my blog. Because in the Dunk Contest there were two dunks that I feel were taken from my list of ideas. The first is perhaps one of the greatest dunk ideas ever:



Gerald Green puts a cupcake with a lit candle on the rim, and while in mid-air dunking, he BLOWS IT OUT! Now, that's not exactly eating a donut while in the air, but it is a dunk involving a pastry, so I'm going to count it as my idea.

And second, Dwight Howard actually wears a cape! Maybe he read my suggestion to Brent Petway (who won the D-League Dunk Contest, btw).



Brilliant. This year the Dunk Contest was reborn as a premier event. I think people have been getting a little bored, wondering what new Dunks kids could come up with, but this year guys went all out. Athletic ability + creativity = fun.

The second greatest discovery of All Star weekend came during the 3-point contest, when at one point Reggie Miller referred to a spot on the court as "the titty." Seldom have you heard the word "titty" used on national television, despite it being one of the greatest words in the english language.



Kenny and Charles saw an opening and picked right up on the titty talk. We can only hope that this leads to titty being incorporated into sportscasters' normal terminology, much as the term "trickeration" stubbornly became commonplace after that awful woman announcer used it in a game a few years back.

You gotta get to the titty.

The titty, that's the sweet spot.

Yeah, that guy loves the titty.

Sometimes, when you're at the titty, you just get a feel.

You can't leave him alone at the titty, you know he's gonna hit that.

And so on and so forth.

SLAM DUNK CONTEST.

Today while conducting my usual important business, I came across a blog post by former Univesity of Michigan basketball player Brent Petway, aka Air Georgia. In it, Mr. Petway was asking fans to send him ideas for this year's D-League slam dunk contest. This, I thought, I can do. So I sent him a few suggestions, but really, I should have only sent him one sample. I think I could make a living as an slam dunk contest consultant. This is the type of flair I can bring to your game:

-Wearing a jersey for Dunkin Donuts (see endorsement deals), attempt to eat an entire jelly donut while in the air. When you land, have an assistant hand you a glass of milk, which you then drink.

-Bring a horse into the arena. We've seen people jump over chairs and jump over other people, but never over a horse. If you wore a cowboy hat while doing this dunk, that would be a nice touch.

-Get a witch hat and a broom. While you're dunking, hold the broom between your legs, like you're a witch. To the audience it will appear you're flying on the broom up to the basket.

-Plant a cell phone on the rim. Then when you dunk, have the television announcer call that number, hang from rim, answer the call and talk to the announcer on national television! This has phone endorsement written all over it. Cut me a check!

-Capes. Never underestimate the value of wearing a cape. When you see someone in a cape, you can only reach one of two conclusions: 1, they are crazy. Or 2, there is something super about them. That's a 50-50 shot at being super.

I need to start patenting this shit.

PLAYOFFS? PRACTICE. PLAYOFFS?

Every time I think I forgot about these, something reminds me. This Allen Iverson press conference rant is one of the the all time greatest:



And the Jim Mora playoff rant isn't bad either:



I may have done this post before. If so, that's because it's awesome.