WHAT CAN BROWN DO FOR ME?

How about for starters, actually ringing my buzzer? I understand it's going to take five minutes out of your busy deliveryman day, but it would be great if Brown actually tried to deliver the package. Putting a sticker on my front door just doesn't cut it. On Brown's tracking site, it says they tried to deliver the package TWICE on the final day. Once, in the afternoon, when my roommate was home sick from work; so maybe he was sleeping. But then they say they tried again at 9pm? When all three roommates were home (that includes me)? Nah, I ain't buying it. No way. I was sitting in the living room, right next to the buzzer.

What else can Brown do? Well, since you're not actually going to deliver the package, at least write who it's for on the sticker. That way only one of us has to deal with with having to go to your super inconveniently located Customer Service warehouse. Three stickers, zero names on any. We could possibly have signed the stickers and asked to have it dropped in our lobby, but who signs? Do we just take turns trying? Do we write illegibly so he has to guess who signed it?

Now that we have to report to their warehouse, I've been trying to find out whom the package is actually for. You think this would be easy. But no, Brown seems to think no one would ever need to know this information. Their online tracking doesn't have a recipient name listed. Their phone-in tracking system, no name. Next step, try and call the Customer Service Warehouse center and find out who'll have the pleasure of humping over to the far west side in zero degree weather to get the package that they feebly tried to deliver. But can you find the phone number? Nope. Brown apparently only lists their UPS Stores online and on their site.

At this point, I'd like to fuck Brown in their brown ass and take a brown dump in their Brown mouth. I suppose my next step will be to call a UPS Store and see if they can give me the number to the inconvenient Customer Service Warehouse.

For a company that prides itself on convenience, this has been the worst delivery experience I've ever encountered.

What can Brown do for me? Nothing, apparently. I'll just do it all myself.

Helpful Math Lesson: UPS = awful.