DAMNIT DR. PEPPER

Dear Dr. Pepper,

I love you. Your cool, sharp flavor is something I think about whenever I'm thirsty. Your thick brown goodness is almost a meal in itself. But your ads, your ads are terrible. It would be better if you didn't do any at all.

Today I saw the new one, where you have a fat football player do some sort of dance on the field. It's embarrassing. The fact that it's just plain awful isn't even what bothers me. The part of your marketing program that bothers me is your claim to have "23 favors."

23 completely indistinguishable flavors.

When I went to your website to see what these 23 flavors are, you informed me that it was "proprietary information." Why make a claim of 23 flavors if you can't tell me what they are? It almost makes me nervous. Who mixes together 23 things and drinks it? I think the only other place you find 23 flavors is in the water that leaks out of trash bags. And then there's Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. Is that 25 flavors? Or is it 23 flavors, from which we can deduce that cherry and vanilla are amongst the original 23 ingredients?

The truth is, I don't give a rat's ass how many flavors are in it, I like the Dr. Pepper flavor. Why not claim to be one flavor: Dr. Pepper flavor.

Thanks for your time and deliciousness.