THE JITTERBUG.

From my other blog I Rate Ads Dot Blogspot Dot Com:



First, I'm amazed I could find this on YouTube. Who the hell would want to watch this of their own free will? I bet I've unconsciously seen this ad about 50 times, but until my roommate pointed it out during Law & Order last night, I've never been aware that I'm watching it. Something about the music, the graphics, the whole treatment, tells my brain, "you can think about something else now, this doesn't concern you." This revolutionary phone, designed especially for old folks, promises: "Bigger buttons, bigger numbers." And, "You don't need a 400-page manual to use it." How simple is Jitterbug? One version of the phone comes with only three options:


It would be hard for even the most technology-ignorant old person to be confused by that. I am a bit concerned though, as at the end it offers a free car phone charger with purchase. If you need a phone with only three options because you can't figure out a normal cell phone, you shouldn't be operating a motor vehicle. They're slightly more complicated and entirely more dangerous than a mobile phone.

A third version of the phone has an ASSIST button, which when pressed slowly administers lethal medication to the user, allowing them to peacefully slip away during conversation. If you happen to accidentally press the button, you're in luck, you can use your Jitterbug to call 911 or the operator for help. Or you can call home to say goodbye.

It's difficult to grade this, as I think it's probably doing it's job: turning off the brains of young consumers and singing its way into the hearts of our elderly. But because I've noticed it and I'll now be tortured by it during my many hours watching Law & Order, and because I think advertising takes advantages of the impressionable and feeble minds of our elders, F.

STRAIGHT CASH HOMEY.

As I've said before, I'm a big fan of people who have simple ideas and carry them out on their own website or blog. Personal jokes turned into public treasures. I consider StraightCashHomey.net to be one of said public treasures. The idea is simple. People wearing pro sports jerseys often look like fools. Especially when their jerseys are outdated or for players who have some sort of scandal associated with them (see John Rocker). So you take pictures of people you see wearing professional sports jerseys and submit them to the site. Funny to me.


CAPTION FROM SITE: "Koren Robinson, Seattle Seahawks: Finding a Koren Robinson jersey alone in a WalMart with beer is like finding a Roethlisberger jersey on a motorcycle without a helmet: simply perfect. It’s a shame Charlie Frye will never know what it’s like to throw to K-Ro… (Found by Jay in Greensboro, NC)"

So where did the name come from, you wonder? The answer is Randy Moss. When asked how he was going to pay his fines for inappropriate celebrations, well, you can guess the rest.

UNCLICKPASTABLE AWARD.

Last night I was thumbing through my Direct TV menu looking for something other than America's Funniest Home Videos to watch when I saw the title: My Shocking Story: Half Man, Half Tree. There was no possible way to not click through to TLC and see what this was all about. It had to be some sort of trick, right? Maybe a tree that has a root that looks like a foot and a branch that looks like an arm? Or a human who lives in a tree and the tree has grown around him, sort of like a cage? But no. It was an actual man who has tree roots growing from his arms and legs.



Amazing and sad. He has friends who all have very strange skin diseases and they "perform" in some sort of circus or freak show to make a living. I tuned in a bit late and I had to change the channel when my pizza arrived, so I don't know what the skin condition is, or if it's actual wood growing, or just skin and fingernails and such. I also have not determined if being half man, half tree comes with any super powers. Either way, I bet it's hard to button your shirt with tree hands.

Congratulations to TLC and the producers of My Amazing Story, winners of the first "Unclickpastable" award.

In somewhat related news, here is a list of every reason Dr. David Banner ever "Hulked out".

HE DONE DID IT NOW.

You have to admire the man. No one, to my recollection, has made such great use of the "mayor" job title as Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick. Of course, he has to be the Mayor of Detroit. Who else could lead a floundering city back to greatness? I mean, if you can have wild parties, support a large entourage of pals and take recreational vacations on the city's dime, you're doing all you can, right? No way. You also need to sleep with your subordinates and leave a text-message trail documenting your infidelity.

"Don't worry baby, they can't track text messages, those are in the computer phone."


After winning back our #1 most dangerous city in America title, in the middle of the annual hated "winter," Kwame piles on by bringing back this little scandal; thus vaulting Detroit into its firm position as "City Where No One Will Ever Want To Live, Ever."

I have to give Kwame some credit though. If I were mayor, I hope I'd have the balls to do all the shit he allegedly does. There's got to be a voice in the back of his head that says things like, "Hell yeah you should do that, you're the MAYOR!" And, "What are they going to do, fire you? You're the MAYOR!" I mean, seriously, how many times do you get to be the mayor of a major US city? Might as well make the most of it.

MICHIGAN'S CONEY ISLANDS.

Ask people in New York where Coney Island is, they'll tell you at the end of the B, D, N or F lines, on the coast. Ask someone in Michigan where Coney Island is and they'll answer your question with a question. "Which one?" You see, in Michigan, Coney Island is not a place. It's a type of restuarant. So we have National Coney Island, Lepuma's Coney Island, Jimmy's, Leo's, Athens and so on and so forth.


View Larger Map

(Coney Island locations in Royal Oak, MI)

This is a phenomenon that doesn't really occur elsewhere. I believe the origins come from the Coney Dog, native to Nathan's on THE actual Coney Island in New York. Coneys in Michigan all feature Coney Dogs, hot dogs slathered in chili, onions and regular yellow mustard (not that spicy shit).


We have Coney tacos and Coney burgers as well. Coneys are also famous for having great breakfast specials and on weekend mornings are filled with folks recovering from the previous night. Strangely, Michigan Coney Islands also have a Greek infusion, featuring gyros, hanis, lemon-rice soup and greek salads(yes, that is some authentic Greek cuisine, I know). The really elaborate Coneys are actually just glorified diners, offering burgers, sandwiches, mexican food, fish and chips, etc. Many are open late--chili dogs make for perfect for post bar meals--and some even serve pitchers of beer.

So next time you're in the mitten and want an authentic Michigan experience, drop in to a Coney Island and dig in. Just make sure you'll have access to a toilet within the next few hours. You'll probably need it.

NEED FOR SHEED.

I mean, how can you not love Rasheed Wallace? His passion and his pure love for the game is remarkable. He brings me great joy. And Rosco raps!

Click here for Sheed on the mic.

Click here for another Sheed pre game dance.

100 VIEWS.

I'm always amazed at the things people think of. This project is one of them. 100 Views of the Empire State Building.

MYSTERY MESSAGE.

Today I was walking through a tunnel from the ACE portion of the subway system on my way to the 7 when, for some unknown reason, I looked up. To my surprise, fixed to one of the painted steel rafters was a white sign with black type. It said "IF LATE," That's it. If. Late. Comma. Not even a complete thought. Puzzling, I thought. And on I went. Not ten yards later, attached to another rafter was another sign. "GET FIRED." Was this is its own thought, or a continuation of the other sign? If late, get fired. Makes sense. Or was this sign simply instructing you to get fired? From this point, I spent the rest of my walk watching for more signs, which there were. This--unless I missed one--is the subliminal message posted on the rafters in that subway tunnel:

If late,

Get fired.

Why bother?

Why the pain?

Just go home.

Do it again.

Bizarre. Who put that there? The MTA? If so, to what purpose? If not, why haven't they taken it down? Is it some famous poem I don't know about? Is it a part of some puzzle that if solved rewards the sleuth with a free subway pass for life? Did vandals post it? Some right-wing Christian group? Luckily, Google knows the answer.

Click here for images and actual information about this "poem."

A NATION WEEPS.

Heath Ledger found dead in Manhattan apartment. I'm strangely sad about this, although I was less sad when I found out he was not Josh Hartnett, who starred in Resurrecting The Champ, a terrible, awful movie they showed on my plane ride home from Peru.





Seriously, don't be fooled by the fact that Samuel L. Jackson is in it. Never watch Resurrecting The Champ.