WRITING FOR LETTERMAN.

I was reorganizing my computer and I came across a file that's sort of interesting. About four years ago, my old boss told me he would try to get me some freelance work doing some writing for The David Letterman Show. Of course I was excited. The first step in the process, he said, was to write Top Ten lists for two standard topics: Top Ten Signs Your Gym Teacher Is Crazy & Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If A Dog Were President. Here are the lists I put together before narrowing it down to ten:

Top Ten Signs Your Gym Teacher Is Crazy

1. Instead of a whistle, he uses a kazoo
2. Two words: moon-boots
3. While you’re playing basketball, he’s in the corner playing with dolls
4. Keeps screaming “Snakes!” and running out of class
5. Promises relay race winners “a place in heaven”
6. Constantly mumbles “I coulda been a contender”
7. Some days he wears lipstick
8. Puts kids’ bag lunches in blender to make “health shakes”
9. He insists that tether-ball is the “Nazi’s game”
10. Keeps calling you soldier and ordering you drop and give him twenty
11. Coaches you to hit tennis ball with that “giant fly swatter”
12. Thinks hula-hoop is a sport
13. Once a month you dissect frogs
14. Instead of balls, you play dodge-ball with kittens
15. Drinks Capri Suns for breakfast—a lot of them
16. Proclaims those who reach the top of the rope are of a higher order
17. Refuses to wear shirt because it slows him down
18. Forces you to learn mores-code whistle blowing instructions
19. Eats handfuls of dirt from softball field
20. Wears shoe polish under eyes to reduce glare from gym lights
21. Brags about ability to blow whistle without using mouth
22. Makes kids shower before, half-way through and after class
23. Claims human athletic ability determined by alien ruler
24. Instead of a sweat suit, he wears a straightjacket

Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If A Dog Were President


1. State of the Union address would be a whole lot cuter.
2. Spaying and neutering…outlawed
3. Fetch finally recognized as national sport
4. All trees cut down to put squirrels on “level playing field”
5. Cats added to axis of terror
6. Year is now 12006, as years are converted to dog years
7. White house carpet cleaning bills—way up
8. US borders lined with invisible fence
9. Giant dog army is mobilized, saving US billions
10. First lady really would be a bitch
11. Lassie appointed attorney general
12. No more interns needed, since President can “service himself”
13. Cabinet consists of the Kibbles and Bits dogs.
14. International posturing reduced to a form of growling
15. Lobbyists do a lot more “back scratching”
16. People who eat grass are now socially accepted
17. Secret service to take new course in chasing cars
18. Public urination-no longer a crime
19. Sniffing asses no longer taboo
20. All fire hydrants declared public restrooms
21. All Korean restaurants…closed
22. Fetch “fake-outs” considered acts of treason
23. Blind dogs given “seeing eye-people”

Somewhere there's a file with my final ten, which he supposedly submitted. I never heard anything back, so here I am, not writing for Letterman. Still, it was fun making the lists.