That was the title of an e-mail I received today at work. This was the content:
"Due to the high number of requests we have added a second session of Conflict Resolution.
On June 7th, [place of employment] will be presenting a seminar on Conflict Resolution presented by our EAP providers. This session will start at 2:30 pm and last for one hour in the 2nd Floor Conference Room. Snacks will be served.
Seminar Overview
In this interactive session the topics discussed include learning to manage opposition, conflict clashes, discord and disagreements which are critical skills for personal and professional success. In order to best develop these skills you will also learn your personal conflict resolution style.
Focus Points:
What is conflict
Characteristics of Conflict
Responses to Conflict
Personal Attitudes Toward
Dimensions of Conflict
Effective Ways to Handle Conflict
Problem Solving
Communication Rules
If you are interested in attending please respond to this email. Seating is limited, responses will be accepted on a first come, first serve basis."
My immediate response was to copy it and paste it into this blog. My second action was to read it through again and try to understand what it's all about. Could there really be that many people who can't resolve conflict on their own; so many that they needed to schedule a second class? Could there really be that many people who think going to a class will actually make them proficient at dealing with other people? This is shit you should have learned in the class called The Last Twenty Years Of Your Life. I'm considering taking the class just to see exactly who in my company qualifies as "a huge pussy."
There's only one logical reason I can see for sending out this e-mail:
Fire anyone who replies asking to sign up.
When they walk in to the meeting, hand them a box and a note that says pack your shit and get out. Then we'll see what their "personal conflict resolution style" is. That, my friends, is conflict resolution class.
5.25.2007
THE FURY AND THE PROFESSOR.
"When he's mad, nobody in the world can stop him. He was mad. He was pissed off."
-Richard Hamilton on Rasheed Wallace
It's just plain fun to watch.
In unrelated news, my brother is now a full-time professor. Congratulations on being the world's first Professor Therkalsen.
5.24.2007
SPACE.
Courtesy of The Hawk:
"This is perhaps the most confounding issue I've ever thought about in life, ever.
Universe to Disappear From View?
My major question always is... if the universe is EVERYTHING... how is it expanding? Think about that for 5 seconds w/o your head hurting, I dare you."
Alien head...in your head...that guy knows what I'm talking about.
"This is perhaps the most confounding issue I've ever thought about in life, ever.
Universe to Disappear From View?
My major question always is... if the universe is EVERYTHING... how is it expanding? Think about that for 5 seconds w/o your head hurting, I dare you."
Alien head...in your head...that guy knows what I'm talking about.
5.21.2007
MORE WORDS OF WISDOM.
Until last week, I'd never really heard Tommy Lasorda speak. This is a classic mix of his press conferences. Not for children.
The man really, truly has no filter.
The man really, truly has no filter.
WORDS OF WISDOM.
This morning on the train I had a little knowledge dropped on me by a crazy man with a crazy beard and a crazy cane. As a girl sat down near him, he turned to me and said:
(please read in crazy-man voice)
"Look at that pretty girl. She looks pretty good for being retarded. (pause) Never met a pretty girl that wasn't retarded. (pause) Never met a pretty girl that wasn't a government agent. (longer pause, crazy laugh) Fashion models are too expensive."
Yes, sir, they are.
(please read in crazy-man voice)
"Look at that pretty girl. She looks pretty good for being retarded. (pause) Never met a pretty girl that wasn't retarded. (pause) Never met a pretty girl that wasn't a government agent. (longer pause, crazy laugh) Fashion models are too expensive."
Yes, sir, they are.
5.11.2007
THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO AT THE SAME TIME.
Come on, seriously? You can't wait until you're done taking a dump to eat your Fritos? The worst part is that I work with this person. Never again can I accept a friendly Frito offer without wondering if I'm talking to the snacking shitter.
5.10.2007
STREET-FIGHTIN MAN.
"summer's here and the time is right for fighting in the street, boy."
Yes, Mick Jagger, it is. The temperature in the city reached 82 yesterday and it felt a little like summer in the afternoon. Then, as the evening wore on tempers were on the rise. While sitting outdoors and finishing the fourth of four pints, I heard behind me some shouting. Naturally, I turned around to see what the fuss was all about.
A fiery Welshman was shouting at an Italian guy, who I'll refer to as Mario. Mario was backing away as his friend--call him Luigi--was trying to separate the two. But the Welsh fellow was getting in their faces, shouting (the only word of I could decipher was "oy!"). The Welshman finally broke by Luigi, only to be greeted by a punch to the head from Mario. This stunned the Welsh, allowing the two Italians to retreat further up the street.
Once he regained his wits, the Welshman, henceforth referred to as Pedr (Welsh for rock or stone), decided on the most logical course of action: take off your shirt and charge after the two retreating Italians. When he caught them, he attempted to return fire, but was easily knocked off balance by a backpedaling Mario. Mario then dealt several close-fisted blows to turtle-on-his-back Pedr before standing up for some kicking and stomping.
Again, Mario and Luigi tried walking away. But Pedr was unrelenting. Now in the center of the street, he kept after Mario. Before long, he took a surprise punch to the jaw from the formerly peaceful Luigi. Then a punch from Mario, who continued to try and walk away. They went around the corner; luckily we had just finished our beers, so we could get up and join the following crowd. When we reached the corner, a shirtless Pedr was shouting at Mario and Luigi, who kept pushing him away. By this time I had taken my camera from my bag, set it to camcorder mode and began taping.
This, thanks to a having the wrong memory card, is all I captured. Notice the peace maker, still trying to hold Pedr back. Amazing.
It was just after this that the retreating Italians decided to stop retreating and just give Pedr what he was looking for, which was apparently ten yards of double face punching, followed by two--I shit you not--TWO flying karate kicks to the head. The fight came within a few feet of me, which would have made for amazing footage had I not been using the wrong memory card. Result, five seconds of pushing caught on tape.
After this flurry of action, Mario and Luigi, feeling they had made their point, again attempted retreat. And again Pedr gave chase. He was clearly "nothing can hurt me, not even flying karate kicks to my face" drunk. But before he could take more punches the police arrived. They corralled Pedr, talked to him for a bit and amazingly let him go. I guess they thought he had been punished enough.
Also, I apparently missed some punk rockers who dropped a giant jar of banana peppers on the sidewalk, shattering it. Without discussion, they quickly fell to their hands and knees and began eating the spilled peppers. If you live by one rule, it should be don't eat food off of New York city sidewalks. Nobody told those guys.
Welcome to summer in the East Village. Or spring. Whatever.
Yes, Mick Jagger, it is. The temperature in the city reached 82 yesterday and it felt a little like summer in the afternoon. Then, as the evening wore on tempers were on the rise. While sitting outdoors and finishing the fourth of four pints, I heard behind me some shouting. Naturally, I turned around to see what the fuss was all about.
A fiery Welshman was shouting at an Italian guy, who I'll refer to as Mario. Mario was backing away as his friend--call him Luigi--was trying to separate the two. But the Welsh fellow was getting in their faces, shouting (the only word of I could decipher was "oy!"). The Welshman finally broke by Luigi, only to be greeted by a punch to the head from Mario. This stunned the Welsh, allowing the two Italians to retreat further up the street.
Once he regained his wits, the Welshman, henceforth referred to as Pedr (Welsh for rock or stone), decided on the most logical course of action: take off your shirt and charge after the two retreating Italians. When he caught them, he attempted to return fire, but was easily knocked off balance by a backpedaling Mario. Mario then dealt several close-fisted blows to turtle-on-his-back Pedr before standing up for some kicking and stomping.
Again, Mario and Luigi tried walking away. But Pedr was unrelenting. Now in the center of the street, he kept after Mario. Before long, he took a surprise punch to the jaw from the formerly peaceful Luigi. Then a punch from Mario, who continued to try and walk away. They went around the corner; luckily we had just finished our beers, so we could get up and join the following crowd. When we reached the corner, a shirtless Pedr was shouting at Mario and Luigi, who kept pushing him away. By this time I had taken my camera from my bag, set it to camcorder mode and began taping.
This, thanks to a having the wrong memory card, is all I captured. Notice the peace maker, still trying to hold Pedr back. Amazing.
It was just after this that the retreating Italians decided to stop retreating and just give Pedr what he was looking for, which was apparently ten yards of double face punching, followed by two--I shit you not--TWO flying karate kicks to the head. The fight came within a few feet of me, which would have made for amazing footage had I not been using the wrong memory card. Result, five seconds of pushing caught on tape.
After this flurry of action, Mario and Luigi, feeling they had made their point, again attempted retreat. And again Pedr gave chase. He was clearly "nothing can hurt me, not even flying karate kicks to my face" drunk. But before he could take more punches the police arrived. They corralled Pedr, talked to him for a bit and amazingly let him go. I guess they thought he had been punished enough.
Also, I apparently missed some punk rockers who dropped a giant jar of banana peppers on the sidewalk, shattering it. Without discussion, they quickly fell to their hands and knees and began eating the spilled peppers. If you live by one rule, it should be don't eat food off of New York city sidewalks. Nobody told those guys.
Welcome to summer in the East Village. Or spring. Whatever.
5.08.2007
VERIZON RAPED ME.
Yes, it's taken me a few months to come forward, but I need to tell my story. Verizon took my trust and then violated me to the tune of $175. Here, in a letter I wrote to customer service, is the breakdown of what occurred:
Dear Customer Service,
I've written twice before and I just want to be clear about what I'm asking and saying. I left [Verizon] after I was informed it was time for my "new every two" phone credit. Common sense says "new every two" that means it's been two years since my last contract. So I switched services.
I was then informed that I'm being charged a $175 contract termination fee. Confused, I contacted customer service only to find out that "new every two" starts two months short of your actual contract date. Of course, I would have no way of knowing this, since my bills for the last year only state the day I upgraded my service (01/20/2006).
Conveniently, on the last bill--the one with the $175 charge--it lists the plan start date as 05/23/2005. I'm not contesting that's the right date; it probably is. I'm merely proposing that perhaps your tactics were misleading and unfair. It's not as if I skipped out on two years of service. I was barely a month short of fulfilling my contract. And it's not as though I purposely voided my agreement short of the end date. It was a misunderstanding.
I am willing to pay for the extra month of service I had agreed to (around $81), but if you insist on charging me the $175, I will spend $175 worth of my time badmouthing Verizon to anyone and everyone who will listen. I know that may not seem like much, but I believe that customer service and corporate responsibility still count for something.
I had been a loyal customer for some time and left on good terms, until this little $175 ambush. I'm not asking anything unreasonable, it's the principle. Anyways, I'm sure this will reach some generic customer service representative who will send me the standard "your contract started on" message, so I might as well send my check and start bitching about how Verizon was unfair to me. But on the off chance someone there has some sense, I thought I would try one more time.
Thanks.
Jim Therkalsen
So Verizon Wireless, this is where my revenge begins. Chances are I will get bored and stop posting about my bleeding anus and wounded pocketbook before I do any real damage, but I plan to spend ten minutes of each work day (because I have the time) posting my story on chat-boards. Verizon, you cocksuckingassfuckers. Eat shit.
If anyone has any suggestions on how to extact revenge on a giant corporation, please share.
Dear Customer Service,
I've written twice before and I just want to be clear about what I'm asking and saying. I left [Verizon] after I was informed it was time for my "new every two" phone credit. Common sense says "new every two" that means it's been two years since my last contract. So I switched services.
I was then informed that I'm being charged a $175 contract termination fee. Confused, I contacted customer service only to find out that "new every two" starts two months short of your actual contract date. Of course, I would have no way of knowing this, since my bills for the last year only state the day I upgraded my service (01/20/2006).
Conveniently, on the last bill--the one with the $175 charge--it lists the plan start date as 05/23/2005. I'm not contesting that's the right date; it probably is. I'm merely proposing that perhaps your tactics were misleading and unfair. It's not as if I skipped out on two years of service. I was barely a month short of fulfilling my contract. And it's not as though I purposely voided my agreement short of the end date. It was a misunderstanding.
I am willing to pay for the extra month of service I had agreed to (around $81), but if you insist on charging me the $175, I will spend $175 worth of my time badmouthing Verizon to anyone and everyone who will listen. I know that may not seem like much, but I believe that customer service and corporate responsibility still count for something.
I had been a loyal customer for some time and left on good terms, until this little $175 ambush. I'm not asking anything unreasonable, it's the principle. Anyways, I'm sure this will reach some generic customer service representative who will send me the standard "your contract started on" message, so I might as well send my check and start bitching about how Verizon was unfair to me. But on the off chance someone there has some sense, I thought I would try one more time.
Thanks.
Jim Therkalsen
So Verizon Wireless, this is where my revenge begins. Chances are I will get bored and stop posting about my bleeding anus and wounded pocketbook before I do any real damage, but I plan to spend ten minutes of each work day (because I have the time) posting my story on chat-boards. Verizon, you cocksuckingassfuckers. Eat shit.
If anyone has any suggestions on how to extact revenge on a giant corporation, please share.
5.04.2007
THE BEST LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION.
One of my friends has the grand luck to be employed as a part-time receptionist here in New York City. Aside from answering phones and surfing the web, he is often assigned random tasks. Today one of his responsibilities was to write a letter of recommendation, from the owner of his company, for someone he's never met, to some unknown person, for some unknown reason. I submit to you--with the names changed in order to preserve anonymity--the best reference letter in the history of the world:
Dear Members of the Board,
This letter provides me the opportunity to discuss a great person, John Friendly. John has been a close personal friend of mine for years. I am the president of Billy Bossman Company in New York City. I have been in business for many years, and have worked with John for most of them.
John is a responsible and trustworthy person. We have worked together on many events such as the gloriously fabulous Name Of Event. He has contributed fantastically, as a Consultant, to all of my various and sundry tomes. I have entrusted him with the life of my firstborn son on numerous occasions and not once has said life been lost. In short, John Friendly is one of the ten best people I have ever met in my life, a handsome man, extremely well-respected by both myself and everyone that I know who also knows him in any sort of capacity. I’d take a bullet for this man, but I’m sure one of our faster mutual friends and acquaintances would be in the line of fire before me! That’s the level of love I’m talking about. Pure, unadulterated love, one human to another. This dude rocks.
I’m not actually sure what I’m recommending John for, but, believe you me, miss – you’d be a fool not to take, or to accept, or to give whatever he wants to him.
Please feel free to contact me with any questions regarding John.
Respectfully,
Billy Bossman
Dear Members of the Board,
This letter provides me the opportunity to discuss a great person, John Friendly. John has been a close personal friend of mine for years. I am the president of Billy Bossman Company in New York City. I have been in business for many years, and have worked with John for most of them.
John is a responsible and trustworthy person. We have worked together on many events such as the gloriously fabulous Name Of Event. He has contributed fantastically, as a Consultant, to all of my various and sundry tomes. I have entrusted him with the life of my firstborn son on numerous occasions and not once has said life been lost. In short, John Friendly is one of the ten best people I have ever met in my life, a handsome man, extremely well-respected by both myself and everyone that I know who also knows him in any sort of capacity. I’d take a bullet for this man, but I’m sure one of our faster mutual friends and acquaintances would be in the line of fire before me! That’s the level of love I’m talking about. Pure, unadulterated love, one human to another. This dude rocks.
I’m not actually sure what I’m recommending John for, but, believe you me, miss – you’d be a fool not to take, or to accept, or to give whatever he wants to him.
Please feel free to contact me with any questions regarding John.
Respectfully,
Billy Bossman
5.01.2007
FIRE SOMEONE.
I'm sorry, but I was forced to watch the Brady Quinn Hummer ad again and thought posting a transcript of his testimonial would be appropriate:
"I’m Brady Quinn, quarterback from the University of Notre Dame. You know I think Hummer just offers, I think when you talk about off-roading, um you know just the overall luxury of of being able to drive, you know, sit up high feel safe. This car without a doubt exceeds every expectation I had. That is awesome."
Wow. Seriously, who at Hummer is in charge of this? I know it probably seemed like a good idea at first. Perhaps you invested a lot in the production. But when you saw this, did you honestly think it was good? At that point were you pot committed?
During the draft, when you were watching his stock fall you were probably thinking "oh crap, there goes my job." Well, if you weren't fired then, you certainly should be now for STILL running this. Put an old Hummer ad in its place, please, so I can watch ESPN clips online again.
That's the last I'll mention it.
"I’m Brady Quinn, quarterback from the University of Notre Dame. You know I think Hummer just offers, I think when you talk about off-roading, um you know just the overall luxury of of being able to drive, you know, sit up high feel safe. This car without a doubt exceeds every expectation I had. That is awesome."
Wow. Seriously, who at Hummer is in charge of this? I know it probably seemed like a good idea at first. Perhaps you invested a lot in the production. But when you saw this, did you honestly think it was good? At that point were you pot committed?
During the draft, when you were watching his stock fall you were probably thinking "oh crap, there goes my job." Well, if you weren't fired then, you certainly should be now for STILL running this. Put an old Hummer ad in its place, please, so I can watch ESPN clips online again.
That's the last I'll mention it.
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