NERD SANCTUARY.

If you ever want to find some true nerds--nerds who can help you fix your laptop or design you a web page for your new t-shirt design company--there's only one place to go. The Computer Programming section of a book store. Walking through the Barnes & Noble this weekend I stumbled into this serene setting. There were computer nerds scattered about, all consuming information about new code languages and other things involving computers.

If you need help with your computer and don't have access to an IT person at work, you can attempt to approach one of these nerds. You'll undoubtably look out of place and your presence is likely to alarm the timid nerd, so I suggest saying something in their language at first. It will help put them at ease. Feel free to use one of the following:

"I'm not sold on the benefits of working in Perl."

"I'm a JavaScript man myself."

"I've done some of my best work in C++."

Then, when they start talking to you, stare blankly into their eyes for the duration of their monologue. When they've finished talking, feel free to transition into a discussion about the type of help you need.

"I'm not really sure what you're talking about. It sounds complicated. Do you think you could fix my laptop? I have it here in my backpack."

Then take your laptop out and tell them about the error message that keeps popping up. Boom, your problem is solved.

GROWING PAINS.

Can you believe that a TV show in the 80s was able to name one of their characters "Boner"? Seems like someone would have realized that's slang for an erect penis and called for a change. But astoundingly, one television show got away with saying Boner on the air from 1985-1989. I tip my hat to the writers of Growing Pains. I imagine the writing session that produced Boner went something like this:

WRITER 1: So this kid needs a sidekick, some sort of nerdy kid.
WRITER 2: The kid should be a total boner.
WRITER 1: That's it, let's call him "Boner."
WRITER 2: The network will never let us call a character "boner." We might as well call him erection or hard-on.
WRITER 1: No, no. We'll just give him a last name that would make sense to be shortened to boner. Like "Stabone."
WRITER 2: Did you just say "like stabone"? Likes to bone. Nice.
WRITER 1: Seroiusly, let's just make his last name Stabone and see if we can sneak it through.
WRITER 2: And let's make his first name Richard.
WRITER 1: Ha! Dick "Boner" Stabone. They're going to fire us.

But they apparently did not get fired. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mr. Richard "Boner" Stabone.



SCORE: writers 1, network execs 0

DEAR CANON,

Dear Canon,

I'm writing to let you know that I really like my Powershot SD500 Digital Elph Camera. It takes good pictures and is just about the perfect size. But I was wondering, why would you not put any sort of battery-level monitor icon on it? Just a little picture where it shows you battery full, battery half-full or battery almost empty. Would that be so hard?

Instead, you designed your camera to surprise me with a little red flashing battery icon, seconds before my camera shuts itself off due to low power. How did your jackass design team not realize people need to know how much life their camera battery has left? That's pretty fucking stupid, if you ask me.

Be sure to correct that on your new models. Idiots.

Sincerely,

a guy who takes pictures

SIMON SAYS.

One game that people don't really play anymore is Simon Says. I was at a basketball game awhile ago and during halftime they had grown people play a game of Simon Says. And the Simon leading the game was a professional sayer. Watching him work was pretty amazing. It made you realize that Simon Says is a hard game and it would probably be fun to play, especially when you're drunk. People could not stay in the game more than a few rounds.

Simon says put your hands up.

Simon says put your hands down.

Simon says put your hands up.

Simon says wave your hands around.

Put your hands down.

And boom, people would all put their hands down. It was both hilarious and embarrassing. I will definitely participate in a game of Simon Says if one happens to break out in the near future. I'm not saying I would be good at it, but I would play.

i'm surprised

that throwing up in your mouth doesn't cause you to start really throwing up. It tastes bad, like puke. I would think that'd make you puke even more.

DEFEAT? WHAT DEFEAT?

Because I consider myself to be of somewhat limited intelligence when it comes to what goes on in the world, I seldom venture to write anything insightful about politics. But on the train this morning I read an article (a very short article, because the source of all my news is Metro, in which all articles adhere to a 30-second readability time limit) that quoted John McCain as saying something to the effect that if we pull out of Iraq it will be a demoralizing defeat for the US military. This started the wheels turning.

Defeat? At the hands of whom? Didn't we already win? Wasn't the stated objective at the beginning of the war to remove Saddam Hussein from power and make sure there were no weapons of mass destruction that could possibly one day in the future be used against the US? Well, Saddam is no longer in power. And to my knowledge, Iraq has no atomic bombs or anything of the sort. So technically, haven't we already won the war?

I guess it depends on who you consider the "enemy" and what you consider the "objectives" of said war to be. As previously stated, it was originally presented that the enemy was Saddam and his army; and the objective was to protect the American people from WMD. Defeated and done. We should be chalking up a W and bringing our boys home. But for some reason we're still talking about experiencing defeat? Why?

Hypothesize with me for a minute. Let's say that the government, as far fetched as it sounds, misled us as to the actual purpose of the war. Let's say they were really fighting another enemy. An enemy known as "high oil prices." And the real objective in this war was to ensure that a US-friendly, stable government will take over in Iraq and provide us with a steady flow of oil. If that is the real enemy and objective, then yes, it's possible we could still be defeated. Which is why we're still meddling amidst all of this unrest in Iraq. What McCain meant to say was that if we withdraw before the US-installed government of Iraq promises to give us all the oil we want for "helping" them win the war against Saddam, we will experience defeat.

This is certainly not my own original line of thought. Nor do I think it’s such an outrageous left-wing theory as to warrant dismissal. Just think about it. And wait until I get going on Guantanamo Bay. Jesus. That is one fucked up situation.

ATTENTION SAD PEOPLE.

I have recently discovered the cure for depression. It comes in the form of a tv commercial's jingle. Whenever you're sad, simply start singing the Toys'R'Us theme song.

I don't want to grow up,
I'm a Toys'R'Us kid.
There's a million toys at Toys'R'Us that I can play with.
From bikes to trains to video games,
it's the biggest toy store there is.
I don't wanna grow up,
cause baby if I did
I couldn't be a Toys'R'Us kid.

Now try singing that and thinking about all those toys and being sad. Impossible.

THE WORST ADVICE.

A little over a year ago, having been living in New York a few months, I received what I now have conclusively decided was bad advice. The subject at hand was my wardrobe. For approximately six years I had been dressing almost exactly the same. My wardrobe consisted of a good variety of shirts (t-shirts, button-downs, sweaters, etc), some shoes and khakis. No blue jeans. And my khaki's were always a slightly baggy. I liked the way I dressed. But the girls I worked with did not. They said the following:

"Jim, if you ever want to get laid in New York you need to stop dressing like a fifteen-year old skateboarder and get some blue jeans that fit you."

Translation: Buy blue jeans with a waist size that matches how many inches around your waist really is.

After a few months of not having sex, I figured it would be alright to try out some new pants. I bought some jeans and started to wear them. After awhile I started to really like the way they look. And I did eventually have some sex. The problem is, and was, that jeans with a waist measurement that accurately reflects my true waist size can be tight. Not skin tight, but very constricting around my private parts. It is very uncomfortable and requires a considerable amount of adjustment. It also sometimes leads to excessive sweating in the nether regions.

For a year I dealt with this problem. It occurs on two of the three pairs of jeans I own and I managed to let it slide. But yesterday was the boiling point. Riding the train, all smashed up down there and having to continually stand up and pull down on the jeans to give myself some room, I decided no more. I'm done with my "tight" jeans.

It also made me wonder, how do hipsters and gay guys do it? How in the world can any man wear jeans that are almost skin tight? It is the most uncomfortable thing that can occur from wearing a type of pants. It should be used as a torture in prison. Put people in tight pants and make them sit still for a day. No adjusting! It's torture and I, for one, am not tough enough to endure it for the sake of fashion.

I am wearing my khakis today. It feels awesome.