I can barely tolerate to watch anything having to do with politics anymore, but without getting into a rant about that, let me just quote an objection to health care reform from Eric Cantor, (R) Virginia:
"[Our objection] does have to do with our fear that if you say that Washington can be the one to define essential health benefits, there may be a problem with that...if we assume that Washington could do that, could really take the place of every American and decide what is most essential--what would be the consequence?"
What would be the consequence?! You mean, what would be the consequence of letting our elected officials decide what is best for our nation? What would be the consequence of letting our government work the way it was designed to work? Isn't that what we elect our government for? To take the place of every American and decide on our behalf what is best for the nation? Seems to me the consequence would be that we'd have what we were supposed to have in the first place. Government actually representing the people.
Arg. We should dismiss our elected officials and start over. If you've ever served as a politician, you're out. I don't know that there's any way that a majority of our political system is not run by people trying to keep their job, play on irrational fears, or soak up lobbyist campaign donations. Lord knows if I was trying to keep my job, I'd be doing the same things.
2.26.2010
2.24.2010
IPHONE PICTURE PAGE. VOLUME 2.
Yes, this construction company does appear to be called "Erections Guaranteed." Get 'em up.
If your dentist's medical degree looks like this, it might be time to look for a new dentist.
I am the toilet master.
That's so fly.
I call this one "dickheads on crowded trains who think their bag deserves a seat."
This was my company's solution to our swine flu epidemic.
Seriously, if you want to go to college, and the way you choose to do so is to go to a website called www.DesireCollege.com, because some girl in jammies is telling you to, you should just keep your job at the gas station and save your money.
This was an ad someone at work brought in because their daughter had decorated it. I don't want to spoil it for you, but in case the image is too small, the copy now reads: I am the toilet master. I have a master toilet. I know good looks can be deceiving good looks can be more than deceiving. that's right, and we got 'em. I know we're paving a way to do potty it a smooth ride. Then there is someone taking a shit on a toilet in front of the Jeep, and they're shouting "I died!" which makes sense, since it looks like their ass has turned into a jagged bone-filled explosion from their shit. Somone else is taking a dump to the left, but they appear to be fine.
They actually make this, and someone uses it.
Amount people hate gumball colors:
Most = Orange
Second Most = White
Third Most = Yellow
People really will buy any piece of shit greeting card.
2.16.2010
DirecTV Movie Description Quiz Game
I thought it would be fun to take the descriptions of movies I see on Direct TV and post them to see if people can guess what they are. This is the one that sparked led me to this:
A muscleman helps a swordwoman recover a talisman from a bad queen.
See if you can guess, then click on it for the answer.
A muscleman helps a swordwoman recover a talisman from a bad queen.
See if you can guess, then click on it for the answer.
2.10.2010
12.10.2009
11.23.2009
The Fall of Californication
Did I change, or did Californication? I thought the first two seasons were pretty good. Hank Moody was a flawed, but likable character. His supporting cast was the same. Maybe they were running out of storylines, or maybe they lost a good writer. So to compensate, they decided to go from very sexual and funny to downright raunchy and annoying. I like a rimjob joke as much as the next guy. But it's a fine line between being clever and just plucking low-hanging fuck joke fruit. There's nothing really left to like about Hank or the writing.
Also, I find that watching Dexter in fast forward is better than actually having to listen to the writing or watch the acting. His sister on the show, Deb, is the worst. Weeds went downhill as well. And that new HBO show Bored to Death sort of stinks.
That's all.
Also, I find that watching Dexter in fast forward is better than actually having to listen to the writing or watch the acting. His sister on the show, Deb, is the worst. Weeds went downhill as well. And that new HBO show Bored to Death sort of stinks.
That's all.
11.05.2009
Another Quality Adult Purchase
Someone else realized that as an adult they're allowed to buy anything they want. We now have two sets of these at the office:
The Shocking Duel. This is a game that electrocutes you. Each level features shocks of increasing lengths. As you move up levels, the shocks get stronger and stronger until someone lets go. According to the box, "The first person to let go of the shock handles is the wimp!"
I played it. At first it feels sort of nice, like a little vibrating massage. At the final level, it feels like you're holding a hand full of stinging bees. I was pretty sure I wouldn't ever let go, but I had to. I think I can smell myself burning from the inside. I was the wimp.
The Shocking Duel. This is a game that electrocutes you. Each level features shocks of increasing lengths. As you move up levels, the shocks get stronger and stronger until someone lets go. According to the box, "The first person to let go of the shock handles is the wimp!"
I played it. At first it feels sort of nice, like a little vibrating massage. At the final level, it feels like you're holding a hand full of stinging bees. I was pretty sure I wouldn't ever let go, but I had to. I think I can smell myself burning from the inside. I was the wimp.
One of the best things about being a grownup.
Is that you can buy whatever you want and no one can stop you. For some reason we were having a discussion about ants at work and I realized, I've always wanted an ant farm. I'm 31 years old, why have I never had an ant farm? Especially in this age, when you can buy just about anything online. Even an ant farm, complete with live ants.
It was about $35, including ants and shipping. But I basically doomed my colony by not ponying up the extra $8 for some sort of overnight delivery. Instead, my two test tubes full of ants sat suffocating in a box for about a week. When they arrived, there were only about 1/3 left alive. Morale of the remaining ants was pretty low. Then, to make things worse, I didn't try to filter out the dead ants. They all went into the farm with their brothers. Which led to an interesting discovery. As the ants were building their tunnels (they built some pretty nice tunnels), they also moved the dead ants to two little ant graveyards and buried them.
As of today, there are only two ants left, still working away, carrying sand around.
The good news is, new test tubes of ants are only a few clicks away.
It was about $35, including ants and shipping. But I basically doomed my colony by not ponying up the extra $8 for some sort of overnight delivery. Instead, my two test tubes full of ants sat suffocating in a box for about a week. When they arrived, there were only about 1/3 left alive. Morale of the remaining ants was pretty low. Then, to make things worse, I didn't try to filter out the dead ants. They all went into the farm with their brothers. Which led to an interesting discovery. As the ants were building their tunnels (they built some pretty nice tunnels), they also moved the dead ants to two little ant graveyards and buried them.
As of today, there are only two ants left, still working away, carrying sand around.
The good news is, new test tubes of ants are only a few clicks away.
9.23.2009
How can you not do this?
"Delonte West was carrying three loaded guns on a three-wheeled motorcycle when he was pulled over and arrested on Thursday night. He had a loaded 9mm Beretta in his waistband, a Ruger .357 strapped to his leg and a loaded shotgun in a guitar case on his back. While visions of Terminator and Raising Arizona are impossible to ignore, West is said to suffer from bipolar disorder and left the Cavs for several weeks last season for treatment for depression."
Playing with Lebron James, being a millionaire, and believing that your are Mel Gibson starring in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome is probably about as awesome as you can feel. Until you see those flashing red and blue lights behind you. Bipolar disorder is not a joke. But I bet his reasoning for loading up like that and cruising around Maryland on his land jet-ski is wild. How hard must it have been to not have a gunfight? A shotgun in a guitar case? Amazing.
Playing with Lebron James, being a millionaire, and believing that your are Mel Gibson starring in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome is probably about as awesome as you can feel. Until you see those flashing red and blue lights behind you. Bipolar disorder is not a joke. But I bet his reasoning for loading up like that and cruising around Maryland on his land jet-ski is wild. How hard must it have been to not have a gunfight? A shotgun in a guitar case? Amazing.
9.22.2009
9.16.2009
Getting Back In It.
I don't blog anymore. Much of my creative spirit has been bled dry to the point where I just try to get through the day now. In an attempt to breathe some life back into myself, I'm starting a new feature entitled: I can't believe I had to send that in an e-mail. Here is installment one:
We presented the new penguin treatment this morning and here’s the deal, in the form of a numbered list:
1. We can use red and green hats, but not other colors. All bowties must be peppermint patties.
2. Child penguins can not be doing work (child penguin labor laws). So let’s use all adult penguins for pushing and pulling.
3. A child penguin should be sleeping on top of the box.
4. Put on hold, and probably kill any unique beginning. They're not interested in any new creative. We’ll just use the static sign.
5. They made us time out last year’s banner, which took 4-seconds, so they’re likely going to ask we keep this brief.
6. They’d like to make sure the penguins face front at some point, so we’re not just seeing side views.
Thank you.
I guess I'm going to try to focus more on personal work and less on real work, since the real work is so miserable at this point.
We presented the new penguin treatment this morning and here’s the deal, in the form of a numbered list:
1. We can use red and green hats, but not other colors. All bowties must be peppermint patties.
2. Child penguins can not be doing work (child penguin labor laws). So let’s use all adult penguins for pushing and pulling.
3. A child penguin should be sleeping on top of the box.
4. Put on hold, and probably kill any unique beginning. They're not interested in any new creative. We’ll just use the static sign.
5. They made us time out last year’s banner, which took 4-seconds, so they’re likely going to ask we keep this brief.
6. They’d like to make sure the penguins face front at some point, so we’re not just seeing side views.
Thank you.
I guess I'm going to try to focus more on personal work and less on real work, since the real work is so miserable at this point.
6.09.2009
DIET VS. REGULAR DR. PEPPER
It's no secret that I love Dr. Pepper. So today when someone suggested that Diet Dr. Pepper is the best remake of a regular, I was interested. He went on to claim that he didn't believe you'd be able to tell the difference between a half and half Diet-Regular mix, and the normal soda. Sure that a discerning Dr. Pepper enthusiast such as myself could do so, I took the challenge.
He left the room and brought back four paper cups. The deal was, he wouldn't tell me what was what, or how many mixes there were, or if there were some that were only diet, so I'd have to guess on my own. I went down the row and tasted them all. The problem was that at some point, I got that diet-flavor in my mouth, and it tainted the tastings. But I was still pretty sure I had it nailed.
From right to left, I guessed: regular, mix, mix, diet.
The right answers: mix, regular, diet, mix.
I got them all wrong. Turns out, when you pour Dr. Pepper and the diet version into paper cups, it fools my mouth.
He left the room and brought back four paper cups. The deal was, he wouldn't tell me what was what, or how many mixes there were, or if there were some that were only diet, so I'd have to guess on my own. I went down the row and tasted them all. The problem was that at some point, I got that diet-flavor in my mouth, and it tainted the tastings. But I was still pretty sure I had it nailed.
From right to left, I guessed: regular, mix, mix, diet.
The right answers: mix, regular, diet, mix.
I got them all wrong. Turns out, when you pour Dr. Pepper and the diet version into paper cups, it fools my mouth.
5.28.2009
TWO QUESTIONS FROM BRANTLEY.
1. If future you came back and told present you, right now, that you had to quit your job and never work in the same industry again, and you couldn't ask any questions, would you do it? Even if there was a chance that it wasn't future you, but just a crazy person who looks like what you'll probably look like i the future?
2. If you could press a button and get a million dollars, but somewhere in the world a homeless man who is already in horrible living conditions would die, and no one would ever know, would you do it?
Think on that.
The answers:
1. I'd quit, because quitting is fun.
2. I probably would. But you'd never know about it.
2. If you could press a button and get a million dollars, but somewhere in the world a homeless man who is already in horrible living conditions would die, and no one would ever know, would you do it?
Think on that.
The answers:
1. I'd quit, because quitting is fun.
2. I probably would. But you'd never know about it.
5.27.2009
THIS HAPPENED.
Last night, I got a text from a number I don't recognize. This is the exchange that took place.
I had to stop myself from asking more. I imagine if you just did something that no one needs to know about, you probably would feel like a huge ass texting that to the wrong number. Awesome.
I had to stop myself from asking more. I imagine if you just did something that no one needs to know about, you probably would feel like a huge ass texting that to the wrong number. Awesome.
5.18.2009
4.14.2009
4.08.2009
ERROR
We recently found a place near our office that has $.99 draft beer. Now, if you still live in Michigan or any other place aside from NYC, you might not find this amazing. But here, $.99 beers are unheard of. It makes you think that perhaps it will come in a very small glass, or that it will be root beer. To our delight, it was not. The bar serves normal Miller Light in a plastic cup. Now, of course, your fist instinct is that this is terrible beer. You might even liken it to drinking piss. Which is why I thought it was so funny to find looking out from the bar that someone had scrawled the word "pee" over the glass of beer.
It was only moments later that I realized that no one had written "pee" in marker on this, but it was actually what 99-cents looked like backwards. Unknowingly, this bar was telling patrons who were inside drinking that the $.99 beer was piss.
Almost the funniest thing I've ever noticed.
It was only moments later that I realized that no one had written "pee" in marker on this, but it was actually what 99-cents looked like backwards. Unknowingly, this bar was telling patrons who were inside drinking that the $.99 beer was piss.
Almost the funniest thing I've ever noticed.
4.01.2009
3.03.2009
2.24.2009
XTRANORMAL
Recently, via a friend's gmail status, I found a website (xtranormal.com) that allows you to make short animated films by merely typing in a script and using some pretty simple director's tools. So until I get bored of it, I'm going to make little films instead of writing blogs here. Here are the first three.
Mercy:
Thickness:
Business Opportunity:
Mercy:
Thickness:
Business Opportunity:
1.15.2009
THE BEST EMAIL TODAY.
This is an e-mail I got today regarding a script I wrote:
Subject: question
Body:
Is carnie a negative term?
Everyone loves the manifesto but that one word caused quite a stir.
Subject: question
Body:
Is carnie a negative term?
Everyone loves the manifesto but that one word caused quite a stir.
12.05.2008
NHL HAS GONE SOFT.
The NHL. Home of some of the world's toughest guys. The only team sport to allow fist fights. And now, a league that is sending its players to charm school. Sean Avery, defenseman for the Dallas Stars, made this statement in a pre-game interview a few days ago:
"I am really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada," he said. "I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. Enjoy the game tonight."
Avery has since been thrashed for his candor. Not only thrashed, but suspended--indefinitely. What? Are you serious? For referring to an ex as his "sloppy seconds"? I can see suspending him if it was some sort of racial slur, but not for making a little joke about some girl you used to date. And it's barely a personal attack on anyone. All he did was state "I used to date her" in different words.
As if the NHL didn't have enough trouble earning the interest and respect of sports fans. Hockey is a great sport. Home of the last true warriors. Guys who really do play for the love of the game. Guys who get stitched up on the bench and lose teeth like loose pocket change. And apparently now, guys who aren't allowed to make jokes. Ridiculous.
"I am really happy to be back in Calgary, I love Canada," he said. "I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about. Enjoy the game tonight."
Avery has since been thrashed for his candor. Not only thrashed, but suspended--indefinitely. What? Are you serious? For referring to an ex as his "sloppy seconds"? I can see suspending him if it was some sort of racial slur, but not for making a little joke about some girl you used to date. And it's barely a personal attack on anyone. All he did was state "I used to date her" in different words.
As if the NHL didn't have enough trouble earning the interest and respect of sports fans. Hockey is a great sport. Home of the last true warriors. Guys who really do play for the love of the game. Guys who get stitched up on the bench and lose teeth like loose pocket change. And apparently now, guys who aren't allowed to make jokes. Ridiculous.
12.01.2008
WRITING FOR LETTERMAN.
I was reorganizing my computer and I came across a file that's sort of interesting. About four years ago, my old boss told me he would try to get me some freelance work doing some writing for The David Letterman Show. Of course I was excited. The first step in the process, he said, was to write Top Ten lists for two standard topics: Top Ten Signs Your Gym Teacher Is Crazy & Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If A Dog Were President. Here are the lists I put together before narrowing it down to ten:
Top Ten Signs Your Gym Teacher Is Crazy
1. Instead of a whistle, he uses a kazoo
2. Two words: moon-boots
3. While you’re playing basketball, he’s in the corner playing with dolls
4. Keeps screaming “Snakes!” and running out of class
5. Promises relay race winners “a place in heaven”
6. Constantly mumbles “I coulda been a contender”
7. Some days he wears lipstick
8. Puts kids’ bag lunches in blender to make “health shakes”
9. He insists that tether-ball is the “Nazi’s game”
10. Keeps calling you soldier and ordering you drop and give him twenty
11. Coaches you to hit tennis ball with that “giant fly swatter”
12. Thinks hula-hoop is a sport
13. Once a month you dissect frogs
14. Instead of balls, you play dodge-ball with kittens
15. Drinks Capri Suns for breakfast—a lot of them
16. Proclaims those who reach the top of the rope are of a higher order
17. Refuses to wear shirt because it slows him down
18. Forces you to learn mores-code whistle blowing instructions
19. Eats handfuls of dirt from softball field
20. Wears shoe polish under eyes to reduce glare from gym lights
21. Brags about ability to blow whistle without using mouth
22. Makes kids shower before, half-way through and after class
23. Claims human athletic ability determined by alien ruler
24. Instead of a sweat suit, he wears a straightjacket
Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If A Dog Were President
1. State of the Union address would be a whole lot cuter.
2. Spaying and neutering…outlawed
3. Fetch finally recognized as national sport
4. All trees cut down to put squirrels on “level playing field”
5. Cats added to axis of terror
6. Year is now 12006, as years are converted to dog years
7. White house carpet cleaning bills—way up
8. US borders lined with invisible fence
9. Giant dog army is mobilized, saving US billions
10. First lady really would be a bitch
11. Lassie appointed attorney general
12. No more interns needed, since President can “service himself”
13. Cabinet consists of the Kibbles and Bits dogs.
14. International posturing reduced to a form of growling
15. Lobbyists do a lot more “back scratching”
16. People who eat grass are now socially accepted
17. Secret service to take new course in chasing cars
18. Public urination-no longer a crime
19. Sniffing asses no longer taboo
20. All fire hydrants declared public restrooms
21. All Korean restaurants…closed
22. Fetch “fake-outs” considered acts of treason
23. Blind dogs given “seeing eye-people”
Somewhere there's a file with my final ten, which he supposedly submitted. I never heard anything back, so here I am, not writing for Letterman. Still, it was fun making the lists.
Top Ten Signs Your Gym Teacher Is Crazy
1. Instead of a whistle, he uses a kazoo
2. Two words: moon-boots
3. While you’re playing basketball, he’s in the corner playing with dolls
4. Keeps screaming “Snakes!” and running out of class
5. Promises relay race winners “a place in heaven”
6. Constantly mumbles “I coulda been a contender”
7. Some days he wears lipstick
8. Puts kids’ bag lunches in blender to make “health shakes”
9. He insists that tether-ball is the “Nazi’s game”
10. Keeps calling you soldier and ordering you drop and give him twenty
11. Coaches you to hit tennis ball with that “giant fly swatter”
12. Thinks hula-hoop is a sport
13. Once a month you dissect frogs
14. Instead of balls, you play dodge-ball with kittens
15. Drinks Capri Suns for breakfast—a lot of them
16. Proclaims those who reach the top of the rope are of a higher order
17. Refuses to wear shirt because it slows him down
18. Forces you to learn mores-code whistle blowing instructions
19. Eats handfuls of dirt from softball field
20. Wears shoe polish under eyes to reduce glare from gym lights
21. Brags about ability to blow whistle without using mouth
22. Makes kids shower before, half-way through and after class
23. Claims human athletic ability determined by alien ruler
24. Instead of a sweat suit, he wears a straightjacket
Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If A Dog Were President
1. State of the Union address would be a whole lot cuter.
2. Spaying and neutering…outlawed
3. Fetch finally recognized as national sport
4. All trees cut down to put squirrels on “level playing field”
5. Cats added to axis of terror
6. Year is now 12006, as years are converted to dog years
7. White house carpet cleaning bills—way up
8. US borders lined with invisible fence
9. Giant dog army is mobilized, saving US billions
10. First lady really would be a bitch
11. Lassie appointed attorney general
12. No more interns needed, since President can “service himself”
13. Cabinet consists of the Kibbles and Bits dogs.
14. International posturing reduced to a form of growling
15. Lobbyists do a lot more “back scratching”
16. People who eat grass are now socially accepted
17. Secret service to take new course in chasing cars
18. Public urination-no longer a crime
19. Sniffing asses no longer taboo
20. All fire hydrants declared public restrooms
21. All Korean restaurants…closed
22. Fetch “fake-outs” considered acts of treason
23. Blind dogs given “seeing eye-people”
Somewhere there's a file with my final ten, which he supposedly submitted. I never heard anything back, so here I am, not writing for Letterman. Still, it was fun making the lists.
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