PHONAPHOBIA.

The more I pay attention to the way I live my life, the more I realize I have a few strange and irrational disorders. After doing some research (looking up the definition of a word)I think some of them can be classes as phobias. By definition, a phobia is "an extreme or irrational fear or aversion to something." My crippling, tooth-rotting fear of the dentist? Definitely a fear phobia. My inability to eat during first dates? Probably an aversion phobia of some sort.

Last night I diagnosed myself with an aversion phobia to talking on the phone. I've known for a long time that I don't particularly enjoy talking on the phone. This played a large part in the deterioration of my six-year relationship with a girl I thought I would marry. I had no desire to speak to her on the phone and listen to her yammer on about a bunch of shit that happened to her that day. I tell people I'm not good at it and that it's just not me; that if I have something really important to say I'll just see them in person. But it doesn't really make sense. I like friends, I like talking, I like gossip. I have friends and family all over the country. When I see them in person, I can hang out and talk for hours about nothing at all.

Why can't I use the damned phone? Almost every night I hold my cell phone and think about calling my brother or sister or mom or friend or girl I'm trying to date…and I just can't do it. The less I do it--which at this point is very seldom--the harder it gets to press that "send" button.

When I do talk on the phone, I lose control of my body. While conversing, without consciously making an effort to do so, I pace around my apartment; I open cupboards and drawers and the refrigerator; I rearrange books and dvds; I play with a soccer ball or football or throw a baseball into a mitt. I can’t sit still. Perhaps my brain isn't satisfied using only one of my senses. Talking on the phone requires only that my ears are working. In normal conversation, my eyes are contributing to the conversation, as are my hands and face, etc. Non-verbal communication. I think if I had to talk on the phone while blindfolded and bound to a chair, I would lose my mind.

Another problem with my phone skills is that as soon as I start talking, I begin wondering what I’m going to talk about and looking for a convenient point to end the conversation. Which badly inhibits my ability to pay attention to the conversation and makes the whole thing awkward and somewhat forced.

This can't be normal, so I'm going to class it as an aversion phobia. I'm not afraid of using the phone, I just irrationally avoid using it. Maybe I should get some treatment; go to a phone-talk counseling center of some sort. Or hire a phone talking coach or perhaps just sit down every night and force myself to make one phone call with a list of things to talk about.

While I’m sure this problem, along with some others, can be classed as some sort of social anxiety disorder, I think that sounds a little too serious and bad. A phobia, on the other hand, is something you can laugh about, like Arachnophobia. Grown-ups who are terrified of spiders? That's pure comedy.

Along with publicly diagnosing myself with the problem, I would also like to issue an apology to those of you who wonder why I never call. It’s not that I don’t like you. I love you all. It’s just that I am mentally unable to take part in telephone conversations. If you’re a friend and you’re wondering if I think about you, I do. If you’re a family member and you’re wondering if I care about what’s going on in your life, I certainly do. If you’re a girl and you think I like you and you wonder why I don't call, the answer is that we should make out--even if I don’t call.

Feel free to leave me a message or send me a text.

In unrelated news, last night I had a very vivid dream invovling dinosaurs, Velocoraptors in particular, hunting me and a bunch of people around an office building and sometimes in a forest. I don't think anyone was hurt, but it was very exciting and I was very daring and heroic.