LOSING IN THE SPEED ROUND.

In the quest for employment I've been forced to do the thing I hate second most (the first is cleaning bathrooms) in the world: cold-calling. Already being phone averse, I really don't like not knowing who I'm going to talk to. And I detest being on the self-end of a self-promoting phone call. Anyways, the good news is that most creative recruiters don't answer their phone, so I get to do one of my favorite things in the world: leave a message. It makes me feel like I've at least tried, although I think I get about a 25-percent response rate.

One of these returned phone calls was from a big agency that I had heard was hiring. At first I was excited, thinking, great, maybe I can get in here. Then the man on the other end of the phone sprang a speed-round phone interview on me that went something like this:

MAN: So tell me about what you've been doing.
ME: I was at McCann for five years and I've been freelancing for the last year.
MAN: Have you ever won any awards?
ME: No.
MAN: Ever come close to winning any awards?
ME: I don't think so. I haven't really entered anything.
MAN: Do you have a lot of packaged goods experience?
ME: No. Do cars count?
MAN: No. I think we'll pass for now, we're looking for something specific.
ME: There were some packaged goods ads in my portfolio, did you see those?
MAN: I didn't see them. I'll look and if I like it we'll give you a call back. Goodbye.
ME: (to dead phone) What the fuck?

I was left holding the phone and wondering how a one-minute conversation could be enough to convince someone that I wasn't a good candidate for a job. After the shock wore off the anger set in. Who the fuck was he? Congratulations on getting a job as the gatekeeper for your creative department jerkoff. But if that's how you evaluate talent, it's no wonder your agency has been in decline for the last...how long have you been in charge there? An award can't tell you someone's personality, potential or capacity to develop great creative. Shit, any jackass can grab onto someone's shirttails and get their name on an award. He didn't even take the time to look at any of my work before calling. Ridiculous.

Anyways, that's just me being bitter. If he had offered me a job I'd be singing a different tune, one about how I was going to work for one of the best agencies in New York.

But I'm not. Jerk.