COACH MEATHEAD.

This spring I'm playing in a co-ed charity soccer league. Since I don't have a lot of friends who were interested in playing, I signed up solo and was placed on a team with a bunch of other individuals. The nice part of this is that you get to meet new people; the bad part is that some of these people suck. Not at soccer. They suck at being people.

I'm writing about this here as a substitute for sending out a super condescending e-mail to one of my teammates, who yesterday sent out this message, entitled No more losing on my watch:

"Greetings all... Just wanted to let everyone know that starting Tuesday I'm going to assume the role of "coach on the field"... This by no means will interfere with the fun factor or infringe on your preferences. It will just provide a little more structure in terms of positioning, substitutions, and strategy. I have a ton of previous experience and in the short time I've known all of you have gained some knowledge on your individual capabilities. Feel free to express your input at anytime."

My initial reaction, aside from laughter, was to ignore this e-mail. The guy who sent this is sort of a meathead, a good athlete, but by no means an exceptional soccer player. Not only was I going to ignore the e-mail, but I planned on ignoring him on the field. Another player informed Coach Meathead that his services would not be needed, to which he replied:

"Just thought I'd mention that my last e-mail believe it or not was in response to a consensus. I was addressed by several members on this team. I didn't come up with the idea on my own. I'm obviously a team player and will handle my own responsibilities and nothing more if you would prefer. I can tell you from past experience though and from what I heard last game that anarchy and indecision lead to sloppy play."

Whoa. First, several members is not a consensus. Second, who in the hell wrote to coach meathead saying, "I think we need you to coach the team?" I don't know if I'm angrier at coach meathead or the idiots who asked him to be coach meathead. Someone needs to remind these people that this is a co-ed charity team. We're playing FOR FUN. We have some players who are very good and some players who are terrible. The team has played together twice and never had a practice. There's going to be a learning curve and I can almost guarantee that there will always be sloppy play. If you want to be a coach, go find some twelve-year old kids.

Also, crybaby kneebrace guy who spends the entire post-game making excuses for why he played bad, I have news for you: it's because you are bad. Shut your mouth.

Ah, I feel better now.