THE DOG DOUCHE

You’ll find them in parks, walking down streets and sometimes in bars: The Dog Douche. A human who lacks a definable personality or likable characteristic and therefore has acquired a Substitute Personality Dog. This dog, a lovable, adorable animal, helps the human define himself in terms that other people will not find repulsive. By associating with these noble animals, Dog Douchebags assume people will think they’re also friendly, energetic and cute. After all, why would the dog be friends with some uninteresting loser?

I’m not talking about people who just love their dogs. Those people are great, their dogs are great, great great great. But you know that guy, the guy who takes his dog to the park and you can tell he’s not playing fetch for the dog’s sake. He wants someone to come pet his dog and talk to him. He’s a lonely fellow and that dog is like a person trap. He’s the guy who brings his pooch to the bar, not as a companion, but as a conversation starter. If you want to pet the dog, you have to talk to the human.

Last night I saw the biggest Dog Douche I’ve ever seen. He brought his Substitute Personality Dog (some sort of black lab/retriever mutt?) to the bar. He then began throwing popcorn in the air, causing the dog to jump up and down and run around the bar. Every time the dog would go near another human to get the popcorn, the Dog Douche would engage that person in conversation about the dog. The poor dog had no idea that it was being used as a tool, by a tool. He basically dog-raped people into having conversations with him about his dog. I don’t know if I felt more sorry for him, his dog or the people who were tricked into talking to him.

Conclusion: Dogs are better than humans.