THIS IS WHY I'M HOT.

Mims!

Recently, I’ve been getting a lot of messages from mysterious, hot girls on MySpace. For instance, seXXie just sent me this message:

Hey there...nice myspace page.. anyways I was bored so thought Id say hi.. my M..S..N and A..I..M are on my page so chat me there..I'm trying to meet some new people (I just moved lol) . Im also new on myspace...not really use to how it works yet so if u write me back on here it may take a while for me to respond lol.. use M.S.N (my A.I.M is fucked up and freezes)... chat soon if you're interested xoxox S*a*r*a*h

Yes! S*a*r*a*h likes my MySpace page.

First, S*a*r*a*h, you’re not grammatically or punctually on my level. I actually have this strange standard where I require girls I date to not be idiots. If I send a message back, it would most likely just be correcting your whore-mouth mistakes.

Then, I get a message from CutiePiez! She sounds cuter:

H3Y BABE !!!...Cool myspace u got there.. was just browsing people who live near me and found ya..... Feel free to add me to your M~S~N or A~I~M (both are listed on my MS page..I prefer M`S`N as A'I'M freezes on me so I may not get ur messages...I jusst m0ved so try!ng to meeet sum new people.. xoxox chat soon cutie xoxoxo Sara!

Wow, she thinks my MySpace page is cool, too. I’m just rolling in the pussy. Sadly, both of their AOL chats freeze, otherwise we’d probably be having meaningful online conversations substituting numbers for letters at th1s v3ry m0ment.

Wait, her name is also Sara, but without an h? Are all porno-spam robots named Sara(h)? And if so, is there some science behind it? Are idiots more likely to think spam-porno robots are real girls if you name them Sarah? Do we all have a Sarah in our past? Maybe it’s her…