DANGER: Cars and Buses vs. Humans

I've had some interesting interactions with motor vehicles over the last few weeks. The first came last weekend, while walking home from a night out and talking on the phone. I've always been amazed at my having managed to avoid being hit by a car while so frequently walking in an absent-minded daydream state through the streets of New York.

Until two Saturdays ago, I had managed brilliantly to dodge maniac cabs, giant buses and even zigzagging bicycle deliverymen.

Then, at around midnight I was crossing the road at a major intersection and my luck sort of ended. I had the little white walk signal and was doing everything right, walking within the lines across the road. As I neared the other side of the street I watched an SUV turning the corner, coming directly at me. Surely, I thought, it won't run me over. It wasn't going to fast and though not wearing reflective gear, I was a fairly visible human. But as it advanced on me, I realized almost too late that no, it was not stopping. So in a very agile manner I took a half step toward the curb and leapt onto the hood of the offending vehicle, rolling toward the passenger side and off, landing catlike on my feet. Quite an impressive jump-roll, if I do say so myself. Deserving of an instant replay.

Upon landing I launched a tirade of verbal insults: What the fuck is wrong with you? Motherfucker! Are you out of your goddamn mind? Jesus Christ, man.

And then I realized the car's passengers were four linebacker-sized men. My usual nature is to remain passive in order to survive, so once I saw that they were very sorry, very large and apologizing profusely, I calmed down and simply suggested that in the future they try NOT running people over.

Things could have ended much worse.

For instance, last Friday, a rainy, awful day, I was riding the bus home. I'm not sure what kind of driver's ed teaches bus drivers to nimbly maneuver a double-length bus at breakneck speeds through chaotic, rain slicked streets, but our driver this day apparently thought he had attended that school. Then, as we were approaching a bus stop, something happened that caused him to slam on his brakes. A red light maybe? A cab cutting him off? A kitten in the road? Who knows.

But it was his unfortunate luck that at that very instant a frail-looking man who looked to be in his 50's had stood up with his suitcase, preparing to get off the bus.

Well, I never took physics, but I understand that objects in motion tend to stay in motion. And this old man, who hadn't taken hold of anything once standing, continued his forward motion at 30 mph while the bus had come to a complete stop. He took a marvelous tumble, end over end, rolling and smashing into benches, ending up 20 feet from where he first stood. It was a stroke of bad luck that the bus wasn't crowded, because normally you'd fall into someone who's holding onto something and boom, you're safe.

But this guy got it bad. America's Funniest Videos bad. Jackass bad. You laughed and then cringed as it happened. He moaned loudly and his "man partner" raced forward shouting at the bus driver, "you fucking asshole! you fucking asshole!" as if the bus driver had purposely slammed on his brakes for no good reason. Seems to me that the old feller should have known to hold on to something when you're standing on the bus. But he was apparently hurt bad, because he wouldn't stand up. Instead, he moaned and writhed on the wet floor, holding his back while his partner called 911.

This meant that the poor bus driver was most certainly going to receive some sort of reprimand and possible demotion (can you demote bus drivers? to what, bus washers?). It also means that with every moan you could also hear the cha-chinging of cash registers going off as the two man-lovers mentally spent all of the dough they'd be raping the city for. I'm thinking a six-figure settlement. $500,000 because you can't hold on. Silly.

This also meant the bus was now out of service. And the rest of us would have to go out into the rain and wait for the next bus. We would receive no settlement. Only wetness and the satisfaction of having watched a man thrown violently down the aisle of a New York City bus. The best part of evacuating the bus was the bus driver's refusal to open the rear doors. So everyone on the bus, wet feet and all, had to step over this suffering old man to get out.

Danger is great.