MY TELEMARKETING GIG.

After four weeks of genuinely not working at all, I began to grow concerned that I was forgetting how to work and that I would soon wind up broke, living in my parents' basement in Michigan and wondering how the direction of my life had taken such a dramatic dip into the shitter.

And so I did what any self-respecting man would do. Got a job in telemarketing. Mind you, I hate talking on the phone. I hate selling things. I hate offices and sales and almost everything having to do with telemarketing. But what the hell, I thought. I'm already not doing anything. And so for three days I did this "telemarketing" I had heard so much about. Turns out, it's not as bad as I thought it would be.

First, it was selling group tickets to Dr. Suess' How The Grinch Stole Christmas! The Musical. So right away I'm feeling good about making these calls. After all, who doesn't like The Grinch? Second, I was calling people who had a track record of purchasing group tickets, so it wasn't exactly cold-calling; more like warm-calling. Third, most of these people were somehow in charge of organizing trips for people. So really, I'm doing them a favor by calling and offering them discounted tickets.

But still, it was hard to get started. Figuring out how to incorporate the "script" into my calls was difficult. You don't want to sound like you're some robot reading direct from a script. So I ditched that fucker and made most of my calls improv style. I also ran into some objections that the script didn't prepare me for.

A few highlights from my days:

SFX: ring ring ring
OTHER JIM: Hello?
ME: Hey is this Jim?
OTHER JIM: Yes.
ME: That's my name too.
OTHER JIM: Alright.
ME: So we're already sort of friends.

***

SFX: ring ring ring
PAUL: Hello?
ME: Hey Paul.
PAUL: Hey.
ME: What's going on?
PAUL: Not much.
ME: You having a good day?
Do I know you?
ME: I don't think so.

***

(after standard intro and pitch)

SCHOOL WOMAN: Um, we can't go see that. It has to be non-denominational.
ME: So you can't go because it's Christmas?
SCHOOL WOMAN: Yes.
ME: But kids like the Grinch.
SCHOOL WOMAN: We're going to see Tarzan.
ME: Tarzan during the holidays?
SCHOOL WOMAN: Yes.
ME: You know, I don't believe the Grinch is actually based on the bible.
SCHOOL WOMAN: I know.

***

ME: Hello, is Henry there?
WOMAN: No, I'm sorry.
ME: Oh, can I ask when he'll be back?
WOMAN: I'm sorry Henry passed on.
ME: Oh. Oh no. I'm sorry.
WIDOW: Thank you.
ME: So I'm guessing he won't be wanting Grinch tickets for the Knights of Columbus?
WIDOW: No. No, I'm not sure who's organizing that now.
ME: Alright. Thank you.

Yes, that's right. They failed to check this list and I had to try and sell tickets to a dead man's wife. That was the worst. Most people were pretty receptive and some people were actually excited to hear from me. At the end of the three days I had sold 50 tickets (1 sale) and made a decent commission on the deal. But hearing that I had a freelance job lined up, which meant no more telemarketing, was one of the happiest moments of my adult life.

Telemarketing sucks. And from now on, when I get a call from a telemarketer, I'm going to talk to them like a real person. Because I've been there, man. I know what you're going through. I'm not going to buy anything, but I won't hang up on you either.

***
In unrelated news, yesterday on my way to work I saw a tugboat working in the river, pushing something around. Tugboats are pretty awesome.