A SOMMELIER I'M NOT.

I am not a sommelier. But I do like to drink wine from time to time. Which means that any time I step into a wine store, vendors are dealing with an almost completely uninformed consumer. So as a service to wine-makers everywhere, I'm giving advice on how to capitalize on the "uninformed wine consumer" market.

Tip #1. Make it cheap.

We don't know anything about wine. Which means that anything under $15 is going to be of interest to us. And anything right around $10? Sold.

Tip #2. Get a cool name.

If you have some generic, fancy wine name, it seems like everything else. A wine with a good name will get my attention and if it's in my target price range, a good title is enough to lock up the purchase. Example: 47 Pound Rooster. Does it sound like good wine? Nope. But that's a big fucking rooster. And a great name. Sold.

Tip #3. Label design matters.

Most of the time I walk around the wine store until a label catches my eye. Anything that stands out from other labels is likely to get my attention. That's 50% of the battle. The other 50% is pricing and name. Example: I keep buying this wine that has a cool-looking frog on the label. And that's about all I can tell you about it, aside from the fact that it costs under $10. I love frogs. Sold.

Tip #4. Write a good description.

I don't know anything about wine. So tell me something about it, so it feels like I'm learning. Tell me about the flavor. Tell me about how it's made. Tell me about where it's from. Tell me anything. Example: Tonight I bought Chono, a wine from Chile because of this description: "Chono is the name of one of the bravest native tribes that lived in the fjords of Southern Chile. The Southern tribes all shared a passion for sea and agriculture. Brave and unique, they exemplified the strong character of their land." Does that have anything to do with wine? Probably not. But it makes me feel like a brave Chilean warrior. And it was $10. Sold.

Tip #5. Alcohol by volume.

The more the better. If I'm holding two bottles, one 11.5% and one 13%, the choice is easy. 13%, Sold.

So while wine bottlers should still strive to produce a high-quality, exemplary wine for "connoisseurs," they should also keep in mind that there are a ton of "wine idiots" out there, like me, who choose their wine by completely irrelevant criteria.