THINGS YOU LEARN FROM THE ALIEN SOUND GUY.

While on the same work trip I referred to in an earlier post, I met and was forced to spend an enormous amount of time with an interesting man. Our sound guy. The guy in charge of microphones and recording and sound levels, etc. He was good at his job, but he was also from another planet, possibly literally.

One of the most intense people I've ever met, this man was focused all day long. Not always on his job, but always on something. Sometimes you'd be in the middle of doing something and he'd look at you and ask very seriously, "What do your parents do for a living?" What? "Seriously, what do your parents do?" I'm trying to get luggage in the car--is this really the right time for this conversation? To him, it was. He was constantly gathering information about you. Perhaps for some sort of secret alien file he's keeping.

He told a story that went something like this. (begin throaty, forced, science fiction narrator voice)Yeah, this guy in my basement runs a fight club. All the walls are padded and we just go down there and fight until someone gives up. At first it was a little bit scary, but then I got addicted to it. This one guy went and joined the Marines, a little guy. Then, when he came back, no one could touch him. And he couldn't turn it off. Anyways, that's how I got into martial arts. Now I teach a free karate class for kids. He loved karate! All day long he was talking to us about karate, talking on the phone about karate or actually doing karate moves and stretches. At the airport, on set, in a restaurant. He just couldn't contain his karate.

He also loves science fiction films. That doesn't necessarily make you an alien, but it also doesn't prove you are not one.

Mostly, he seemed to not know things normal humans know. For instance, trying to pick up the waitress almost never works. And NOT every girl you see is hot. I think his only qualification was "not fat." He was flirting with our waitress at Chili's and she had an elbow nub-arm with baby toes growing out of it.

At one restaurant he threatened, or planned to, open a conversation with our waitress using the words, "We're trying to settle a bet..." It will NEVER be a good idea to use that as your opening line. Because nothing that comes after that can be good. We're trying to settle a bet, are you over 18? are those real? did you used to be a man? is that a cold sore? are you Asian? are those stretch marks? did that happen in an accident? do you like it doggy? is that your son or your husband? are you pregnant? Just stop. Don't even try it.

He also began a story with, "One night I was out with my karate friends..." If you ever hear a man begin a story like that, I suggest a tactful exit. In fact, any time you meet a man who has a group of friends he refers to as his "karate friends," go. Get.