VALENTINES DAY MASSACRE.

If I see one more Valentine's Day commercial trying to sell me diamonds, I might actually lose it. Used to be, I loved the "every kiss begins with K" jingle. Now it haunts me. You know what else begins with K? Kill, as in murder.

I never really cared for Jared ads, but I never hated them like I do now. You can rest assured, no bitch will ever have to say, "he went to Jared" about me. Because my new lifelong goal is to never, ever purchase a diamond from Jared. Jared the store now rivals Jared the Subway spokesperson for worst thing named Jared on the planet.


Are we, as a culture, really this stupid? Can we be brainwashed into buying some generic S-shaped, diamond-studded charm because a jewelry store says we should? Can our brains be bludgeoned into action by the same three commercials aired 600 times in a three week period? Will our ladies be truly disappointed if they can't tell their friends we went to Jared? I sincerely hope not.

If you really want to show your girl you love her, head out to the diamond mines yourself and dig that shit up. That, my friends, is love. Or buy her some crotchless panties. That is also love.